Today's claptrap is an American aquarium drinker
It's here people. The day has finally arrived. It's early, to be sure, but dust down that imitation champagne bottle you have been saving for a special occasion, pull on those hats with the string and puff those annoying little noise-maker things until you are blue in the face and you have to sit down because you haven't done much exercise in a while and puffing those annoying little noise-maker things is exercise enough. Go outside, hug the first person you find, sweep them off their feet, kiss them slap bang on the lips and lie about how great it is to be alive on such a joyous occasion.
Stand in front of the TV, wipe away a tear and tell the kids that one day they will tell their children, their children's children and the uncle of your neighbours' children's children about this wondrous occasion. Turn on your favourite old-time tune, crank the volume dial to as loud as your dear old ookos can take it and dance like you mean it; and when that's all done, repeat the process till your blue in the face because you haven't done much exercise in a while and dancing is exercise enough.
It's here people. It's transfer deadline day. And even the morose, melancholy Mill – who likes to spend its days off, sunk below a desk with nothing but a copy of the 1988 Shoot annual and a gorgonzola cheese sandwich lest it has to talk to people it really does not like – cannot but curl its mouth in what you might term a pastiche of a smile. It's here people. It's transfer deadline day. Let's start then, shall we?
Michael Essien. Two words that used to strike fear into every pretty-footed midfielder that would come to the Premier League thinking they can twinkletoe their way through every defence that every English team could put up against him only to find the Essienator in front of them, and then above them, as they writhed in agony on the ground having being handed the role of victim No408 in the Essitron's production of The Reducers. Well, that was 2007 and this 2012. Nowadays, Essien can hardly make it off the Chelsea bench without suffering some sort of knee-gah! or thigh-ouch! meaning the Chelsea assistant team-picker Roberto Di Matteo has had to drape an arm around Essien's drooping shoulders and tell him, in his very polite, softly-softly approach that the Bridge is over, the Bridge is over, for him.
But the bad news does not stop there for the midfielder. It turns out the only club that are interested in paying the his medical bills are Chelsea's former rivals, Arsenal. Expect Essien to be hobbling on crutches through the doors of the Emirates at 23:55 which will be exactly five minutes after Arsène Wenger has blown the dust off his fax machine.
While there is not much good news for Arsenal fans these days, there is some excellent news for Stoke fans. When you are saying your thanks over breakfast this morning Stoke fans, say a special one for Málaga Club de Fútbol who look to have gone and done you the biggest favour ever known to mankind by beating your boys to the signing of a player Mark Hughes once deemed worthy of £17.5m. Yes, that would be Roque Santa Cruz the Mill is talking about; and old Hughesy wonders why he doesn't get offered the big jobs, eh?
Speaking of good news, West Ham are just rolling in it these days. They don't care who is looking, they don't care what people think, they have just sunk to their knees, smiled, turned on their back and rolled. Rolled, rolled, rolled, rolled, rolled. Not only have they caught and captured the hard-working, clean-living, goal-scoring mechanical monster that is Andrew Carroll, they have only gone and got the blossoming, midfield dynamo Yossi Benayoun. It was an easy decision for the aforementioned blossoming, midfield dynamo to make since the only other club interested in his services were Aston Villa and nobody wants to go there, not even Nicklas Bendtner.
On the subject of Bendtner, the Mill's absolute favourite person to write about, remember that time when he rocked the slicked-back Paddy Bateman look? That was funny, wasn't it? No? Oh. Well this is awkward isn't it? Anyway, moving swiftly on, Bendtner will be ready to make some intelligent runs with little end product and flash his underwear every time he scores a goal all in the colours of Juventus come the end of the day. Elsewhere, the "Arsenal strike ace", Marouane Chamakh, is cleaning out his locker, saying his goodbyes and deciding what clothes to keep and what to throw away before doing one to Besiktas. Like the transfer window when it closes, he will be sorely missed.
Read more... http://www.chelseamashup.com/2012/08/31/football-transfer-rumours-chelseas-michael-essien-off-to-arsenal/
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