WHOOPEE CUSHIONS, CATAPULTS AND BUCKETS OF PEA SOUP
These are comical times at Stamford Bridge. So it was appropriate that for his press conference previewing tonight's exotic FA Cup date at Middlesbrough, supply manager Rafael Benitez bore the same demeanour that the eternally put-upon Teacher from the Bash Street Kids wore when the school inspector came to run the rule over his incorrigible class of wasters and goofs. Benitez may look on the brink of tears after most matches these days but he showed a brave face at his latest public outing, barely quivering as he rubbished rumours that certain members of his playing squad pinned a "Kick Me" sign on his back and slipped a whoopee cushion on to his chair following Sunday's ignoble defeat at Manchester City.
"I can guarantee that the players know what we're trying to do and believe in what we're trying to do 100%!" hurrahed Benitez before denying that he had spent Monday charging around Chelsea's training ground confiscating catapults and dodging buckets of pea soup perched precariously atop half-open doors. Instead, he claimed, all that took place was "a normal meeting between players and technical staff, as happens after every game … You see it all over the world after every game: you exchange opinions, especially after a defeat. The disappointment is normal. It was a normal meeting, a very brief exchange of ideas. Nothing else." While the manner of Chelsea's performance on Sunday suggested to the Fiver that many at CFC are far too carefree to bother carping about the manager's strategies, we are not too naive to believe that some boys in blue are capable of fomenting disturbances to further their own narrow interests, or just for the sheer hell of it.
"I talk with them every day and they're really pleased with what we are doing and know what we're trying to do every game," protested Benitez too much. "Today I was talking with three or four [before training], and two or three after, and they were all convinced we would finish in the top three," he added, as quick-thinking editors spotted a cunning "Chelsea stars mock Spurs and Arsenal as C@ck!" angle. "My relationship [with the senior players] is fantastic," prattled on Benitez, hoping that some Cuthbert Cringeworthy character, most likely Juan Mata or Eden Hazard, will offer him a shiny red apple tonight in the form of a winning goal from a moment of individual brilliance to momentarily deflect the focus off the chaotic underachievement at Chelsea, for which, in truth, the head master must take most of the blame.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Join Gregg Bakowski from 7.45pm GMT for MBM coverage of Middlesbrough 0-2 Chelsea.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I presented several drawings but Mario wanted to be immortalised in a pose that shows him having scored a goal, highlighting his muscles and with an expression of defiance. I have imagined him as an athlete from ancient times and the statue will be a mix of classical and pop style in platinum and coloured bronze with the eyes made of stones" – just when you thought Mario Balotelli couldn't get more narcissistically Eurotrashy, the sculptor Livio Scarpella proves you wrong.
FIVER LETTERS
"The Chandleresque writing in yesterday's Fiver was almost a joy to behold. And of course the nice lines were a throw back too. Well done. It has been 30 years since I have read any Chandler but I will be going back and re-reading them all. Something to do while waiting for football to stop as it were" – Gregg Atkins.
"May I be one of 1,057 science fiction pedants to gently suggest that perhaps it's not so much Chandler but Douglas Adams who evidently plagiarised the Fiver's tea-timely style. Holistic detectives, time travel and satirising Raymond Chandler – sounds right to me, but I'm no Dirk ... er, D!ck" – Matt Derby.
"I'm not sure that if I were Gerard Pique I would ever bother leaving home but, should I ever be breathalysed in Barcelona (yesterday's Fiver) it is most likely to be by the Mossos rather than the Guardia Civil. You don't need to be a private d!ck to be a clever d!ck" – John Dean.
"It appears to me that all you need to do to win the coveted letter o' the day is to send in some football-related video and make fun of the Fiver. So, here you go. Prize me, jerks!" – Todd Van Allen.
• Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. Also, if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. And to placate certain readers, the Fiver awards prizeless Fiver letter o' the day to: Matt Derby.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.
BITS AND BOBS
Gareth Bale is not as good as Cristiano Ronaldo or Lionel Messi, according to Rio Ferdinand. Tomorrow from Rio: the sun sets in the west and the price of four pints of Creamfields semi-skimmed milk at Tesco is exactly £1.
Tottenham have turned down a bid from Anzhi Makhachachachkakakakala to sign Younes Kaboul on loan ahead of the resumption of the Russian league season next month.
A Millwall fan who aimed r@cial abuse at Leeds striker El Hadji Diouf has been banned from attending football matches for five years and fined over £500.
Sunderland's James McClean has left Twitter after a tweet about a Wolfe Tones song, the Broad Black Brimmer, didn't go down well. Given he has also been abused on the social networking site for choosing the Republic O'Ireland over Norn Iron, and for not wearing a Remembrance Day poppy, it is perhaps for the best.
And Fifa has banned 74 officials and players from Italy and South Korea for fixing matches. That'll learn them.
STILL WANT MORE?
Barcelona have lost far more than the Copa Del Rey. They have lost identity and supremacy, fitness and confidence, writes Sid Lowe.
Football has outgrown the idea that a club's success rests on one man and Manchester City ought to stand by Roberto Mancini, says top scout and executive Tor Kristian-Karlsen.
Messi, Ronaldo and ... Glenn Murray. Dominic Fifield meets the Crystal Palace striker who is mixing with Europe's finest in the goalscoring charts.
And retro shirts and mullets aplenty feature in this week's Beautiful Games gallery: an appreciation of the Green Soccer Journal.
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